Takeoff

After a hectic weekend of college football, The Penguin finale, and Benny Blanco being considered the sexiest man alive, I think it’s fair to say that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but we shouldn’t criticize anybody. For example, I called out the weather for being too warm and how I’ve got chapped lips that are dryer than KD’s legs. I suppose I get what I deserve. Seriously, though… My lips look like two worms sizzled over easy. Anyway, I’m hydrated in other areas as the NBA keeps my feed full of highlights and jokes about how bad the Eastern Conference is, Fortnite announced that the OG map will be returning on December 6th, and the crypto market has 2021 me looking like less and less of a doofus (knocking on an absolute hunk of wood right now). All in all, my vibes are good. However, can your NFL team say the same? Let’s take this train to Mojo Mountain and find out.

Mojo Mountain

Yet another week has passed at this luxurious ayahuasca oasis. After one-too-many games of King’s Kupp, I was feeling overly confident going into dinner. Let’s just say, I was feeling zesty, and I Maye have let Russ cook me a turkey burger. I wasn’t a fan at first, but I warmed up to it. Suttonly, I found myself with all of the brain food I needed to cook up a fine dish of my own. Perhaps ol’ Russ knows what he’s doing because that darn old QB guided me to most savory metric in all of sports:

Can you catch this vibe doe?

A pleasure as always… Mojo Mountain

Ted Mosby Pre-Meeting Your Mother

Giants, Cowboys

It’s weird to think, but these teams make valid arguments for worst in the league. It’s amazing what a decent quarterback means to a team. I call them Ted Mosby because I see these fan bases as hopeless romantics that are desperate for someone to come in and start calling the right shots.

A Gift Card to Denny’s

Titans, Jags, Raiders, Browns

Let’s just say, if this is what I received for Christmas from Grandpa Goodell, I’d be saying “what the heck is this? Did you even try?” Then again, it could still be worse…

Jimmy De Frenne

Bears, Jets

At first, you might be thinking, “Jimmy De Frenne? That sounds like a fancy French breakfast sandwich.” Well, you’d be wrong. Jimmy De Frenne holds the world record for longest time sitting on the toilet at 119 hours. The Bears have not scored a touchdown in 23 drives and the Jets are 1-6 since they beat the Patriots in the literal summertime. I think it’s fair to say both of these teams are taking a long dump.

Triscuits

Colts, Seahawks

Just bland. Every once in a while, you find a good spread or dip to put some juice on these boys, but they’re nothing special on their own. They have good pieces, but they’re all steak no sizzle with that steak being from the recently bankrupt TGI Fridays. I’m pretty sure I’ve tasted hats with more flavor than these teams.

Screw it, Tre Ball

Dolphins, Patriots, Saints, Panthers

It’s interesting to think these teams all have just 3 wins and the fans should be pretty happy about it. While the standard for the Dolphins is much higher than the field, Tua’s return combined with a favorable schedule should have people buying their stock. On the other hand, 3 is a magic number for the Patriots, Saints, and Panthers. It’s kind of like that one kid in intramural basketball that everyone tells to shoot a three because it’ll be funny. You might be down 30, but this kid will occasionally hit the scoreboard, and we’ll all get a good laugh.

The Ridiculous 6

Bengals, Rams, Buccs

Look, all of these teams have high-profile names in their cast, but sometimes a star-studded lineup can’t save a bad movie. The Ridiculous 6 was an absolute stinker, but you’d look at that cast and think “Dang, this thing’s loaded. Heck, Vanilla Ice is in this thing.” Regardless of what the problems are for these teams, the stars can’t save it.

Ocean’s 12

49ers

Better cast, better movie, still not a good movie.

Rip the Bowl

Vikings, Packers, Falcons, Texans

At first, I wanted to say that these fans are high on their team but have probably smoked too much. However, one may think it would be better if this tier were called “R.I.P. the Bowl” because none of these teams will be playing in the Super Bowl. Either way, no matter which bowl is ripped, these fans will be paranoid come playoff time.

I’d like to formally apologize for my creative genius there.

Sike.

Garfield, a Tale of Two Kitties

Eagles, Chargers

Yeah, no I’m still cooking. Both of these fans should be full of lasagna with these teams leaving nothing out on the table. Interestingly, the Chargers have pretty much confirmed that their coach and quarterback are great. For the Eagles, they’ve proven that everything except their coach and quarterback are great. Both teams are making it work, we just have to see if they improve/sustain this dynamic. Hopefully they win their primetime games and avoid a case of the Mondays.

NFTs = Not Fun To See

Cardinals, Broncos, Commanders

Nobody expected this, but these teams are here. Kinda like crypto right now, everything is at an all-time high. In fact, your creepy uncle is probably telling you all about it. All three young quarterbacks are playing as well as we could hope for. I expect all of them to find themselves in an unexpected playoff spot with the Cardinals and Commanders potentially winning the division. While I don’t think they have any deep, long-term potential, they will be a tough draw in the postseason.

We’ll Take the Bill

Bills

We have an all-timer at quarterback and play in the AFC east… which is awful. Tom Brady won this division 17 times doing that. Check please.

Mojo Mountain Matchup Mayhem

Steelers, Ravens

I mean, how about these two? Lamar Jackson looks unstoppable, and Russell Wilson is cooking like he’s back on the Legion of Boom. Lucky for us, they’ll play each other this Sunday for some serious Mojo movement.

5-Pick Your Poison

Lions

Even when Jared Goff throws 5 interceptions, the Lions can still beat the Houston Texans. This team is legit, and they can beat you in a multitude of ways.

The McRib

Chiefs

Hear me out. Some people love it, some people hate it. All I know is that, when this puppy comes to town, there’s a buzz.

The Penguin… Popped

This series was really good.

Twitter tweet

IMDb has shown high praise for each episode of The Penguin and rightfully so. This show is wildly entertaining from start to finish. With captivating suspense and some badass dialogue, this show needs no ties to the DC universe. It is a standalone masterpiece. I've never considered myself much of superhero guy… so maybe I relate more to the villains? I don’t know. I just write a newsletter. I’m like if Peter Parker met Sean Parker to create the ultimate heroic news entrepreneur… Peen Parker. Okay, I’ll work on that. Anyway, while I loved The Penguin, it’s not quite as good as IMDb has boasted it to be. In the wise words of Bill Nye…

Please, consider the following:

The whole final episode builds on Oz’s family dynamic and how he views his “loved ones.” If you scroll through social media, you’ll see that people are irate with Oz after he exposes how he actually feels about his family. Now, in theory, I think that is a great, tangible way to make an audience turn on a character that is originally pitiful. However, this isn’t developed prior to the final two episodes. Perhaps I’m too much of a movie nerd, but you can’t convince me of the main character’s biggest flaw if it isn’t acknowledged until the end. Whenever flashbacks were showcasing how inherently evil Oz truly is, I couldn’t help but think, “Where the heck has that been?” In fact, if anything, the dynamic between Oz and his mother steers you in the opposite direction in the previous episodes. Now, before you say, “that’s what they were going for,” I agree that saving this makes the show more “dramatic.” However, I counter that by saying it also makes it less convincing.

Overall, Sofia Falcone deserves a 96 by herself, but I’ll be fair.

I’m giving The Penguin an 89 on the Heater Meter 🐧

I have nothing else to say in this. I’m tired from opening the gym. However, if any of you readers are rich and think I’m super dope, you should buy us tickets to see Ohio State play Northwestern at Wrigley Field! I’d love to go with you. 😊

See you next week! 🚢